I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Decertify the Election! Impeachment sends the wron

Decertify the Election!
Impeachment sends the wrong message;
It implies a fair and honest election.

The US House of Representatives on day one January 2, 2019 must place before the US Supreme Court a case to declare IN-VALID AND NULL-VOID The November 2016 Presidential Election .

The reasons being too much interference, and irregularities from foreign nations, loss of the popular vote, and pressure placed on members of The Electoral Collage causing some to quit their position rather than freely vote their conscience. Unfair elections, unfair deals, and unfair outcome. We are Better Than This

The Founders put into the Constitution of the United State of American a remedy for when both the US President and Vice President are considered to be incapacitated, and places The Leader of The House of Representative as US President. This remedy would be immediate and in line with the Founders and citizen would approve, and remove the current US President.

The 2016 election declared null-void, by The US Supreme Court, rolling back any decisions made since the election by the current administration, as remedy towards making us whole again. The resent events targeting our elections trigger the need to use the Constitutional remedy laid our by the Founders for just such events. The sooner we show we have strong defense to election attacks and deterrent attackers not getting what they want to happen.
Like her or not US Representative Nancy Pelosi is very qualified and will bring back normalcy as President of the United States of America.
All Members of US House of Representatives

Chevy Commercials

I swear to jeebus, if I have to see ONE MORE FUCKING "real person" Chevy car commercial with contrived surprised faces of "real people" so FUCKING STUNNED by how many awards Chevy has won...I will turn into a turd and die. That is all. Fuck you Chevy marketing director.

All Apologies

Yesterday you tried to open the door for my boss as she was leaving the office, but she freaked out & locked it in your face. You were understandably frustrated, no doubt chalking it up to racism, as you said through the glass that you were only trying to hold the door for her. What you didn't know is that 2 weeks ago, our office was invaded by a mentally unstable homeless man who chased us out of the office; now we're pretty skittish about unknown men approaching the door & trying to open it when the office is closed. Door-holding is almost unheard of in this city (that's another rant), so your chivalry was completely unexpected. Thank you for your attempted kindness. Please forgive us for judging you wrongly in the split second in which she had to make the decision (fearing another attack) & for not apologizing immediately. She was freaked out & I was chagrined. When I went out to explain, you were gone.

Portland Mob Much Better Than Jersey Mob

First, nobody talks about the PDX mob, because they are low key classy types. Not the loudest group at the club, so gauche. PDX mob invented the term "snowflakes" in reference to the Jersey Boys penchant for getting their nails done professionally. PDX mob knows how to self-manicure, and do it right. Also, have you ever seen ear hair on a PDX mobster? No you have not. The same can't be said for the crew from Jersey, that can't ditch their bodies in any new or constructive places, because, "this is where we always dumped the bodies, I dunno." Plus Jersey needs to get on the diversity kick. It's a win-win for everyone. It's modern. No offense intended, of course.

Dear New Portlanders

Learn to ride the fucking bus! This shit ain't hard. But the last few waves of transplants have been worse than the last when it comes to figuring out how TriMet works. Here are a few tips from someone who's spent the last 2 decades getting around on the system. You could also figure a lot of this out with basic reasoning skills and situational awareness. Alas...

1) When someone's getting off the bus, get out of their way so they can get out the door. I don't know how many mornings I try to get off the bus through the back door only to find some bearded, beanie-wearing chud with headphones staring blankly at me. No, contrary to what is apparently popular belief, I can't phase through your body. We still live in a universe where two objects can't occupy the same physical space at once. Easy solution: get out of the fucking way. Is the bus too crowded? Step out of the back door, hold it so it doesn't close behind you, then hop back on afterward.

2) When it's rush hour and the bus is crowded, take your bag off the fucking seat and let people sit. Seriously, how the fuck does anyone think an inanimate object deserves a bus seat over an actual human being? Get off your antisocial bullshit and make space for folks. Don't want to mix with the rabble? Who the fuck cares! You're riding the bus with the rest of us, so I guarantee you you're not better than us.

3) Give your seat up for older folks, folks with kids, folks with disabilities. If you're able-bodied, get the fuck out of the way for folks who aren't, since getting around this city is godawful enough if you have mobility issues.

Please Take Your Dog Logs When You Leave, Thanks!

Are you kidding me?!?!
What kind of person lets their dog poop in someone else’s parking strip and then just leaves it there? What goes through your tiny little amoral brain when you let that happen?
I come home from work after dealing with all kinds of crap, then I have to deal with your dog’s crap?
Are you kidding me?
Shame on all of you. You people suck.
To the sorry person who I will eventually catch attempting to leave their dog crap behind for me to deal with – you will feel the full force and fury of the irritation left by hundreds of piles of dog logs left behind over the years. You will never do THAT again and you will probably never walk by my house again.

Stranger Danger?

I requested a trail camera for Xmas and received it because it was the only thing on my list. It's been pretty cool so far... I've captured a stray cat, rabbit, mouse and raccoon on my back porch. I really want to get a coyote, for they run throughout the neighborhood. Here's the deal, though:

I caught some dude standing in my backyard last night. When I bought my house a year ago, it was missing the fencing on the east side. I've been meaning to get to it, but this is such a safe neighborhood, I've put it off.

I have my camera set to take one photo and then an 8-second video. Well, at 2:13am, it captured some dude just standing in my backyard staring at the house. He apparently stood there for about 10 seconds (the time it takes to take one photo/video) because there were only two files that have him. I inspected the backyard and the rear of my house and nothing it missing, nor is there any indication he tried to break in. Just some random dude standing in the back staring at my house.

I posted the pic on NextDoor to see if anyone recognizes him, but haven't received any tips yet.

This is weird, right?

Say, Dad? It's Me Again...

Drive off a bridge when drunk and drown some girl? Daddy will take care of it. Don’t want to go Vietnam? Daddy will fix it up with a doctor’s note about bone spurs or assignment to the Texas Air National Guard. Get your PT boat sunk by the enemy because you were dozing? Not only no court-martial, instead Daddy will get you the Navy Cross.
Feel up some girl at a frat boy party? Get to the Supreme Court. This is the law of your land, not mine. In mine, I will always hate your sense of privilege and lack of ethics. Your hero in the White House has never worked a grunt job, never been told “no”, never done without. Your hero’s “family values” included fucking a hooker when his wife was pregnant.

The little people-that is everyone else-has to pay a mortgage or make a payroll or raise the kids. We don’t have rich parents or fixers or toadies to make our messes go away. I was behind bars once, did my bit, took my medicine. I’m not going to keep on taking it.
So fuck you very much. I’ll keep my square job and sense of dignity and my petty biases-one of which is that I will always hate your kind.

I Hair Care Too Much

I can't stand strands of hair that stick out; I hate it. I have a pair of retractable scissors that I keep in my pocket, and whenever I see a hair sticking out, I'll pull out the scissors and snip it off. It's become a sort of an obsession.

The problem is, I can see my reflection in my computer screen at work. I've tried to snip the hair looking into my computer screen reflection, but it's too distorted. So, I'm forced to sneak off to the bathroom to put an end to the unsightly strand. Although it is satisfying to clip that fucking hair, I think my coworkers think I'm on drugs.

It's gotten a bit out of hand; I'm heading to the bathroom now every 20-30 minutes and I'm only in there for a few minutes. They probably think I'm a coke-head or something.

We had a staff meeting the other day and I had to excuse myself two times because I saw stray strands in the reflection of my phone screen. I tried to resist, but my heart started to palpitate and I began to sweat. On cue, when I got up from my chair, all eyes focused on me... "There goes the druggie again, time for another hit." I know that's what they were thinking.

I have to go now because, you guessed it: I can see a few strands sticking out and they must be addressed.

Beautiful Whole Foods checkout boy

My tall, handsome prince: I love you. Thank you for flirting with me yesterday. Someone as gorgeous and personable as you would never do that where I’m from (NYC).

When you complemented my sushi-rrito and I offered to split it, you said no, but maybe you meant yes? I hope so. If you were mine I would take such good care of you.

As I was leaving, I made a dumb joke about Rastafarianism. I’m sorry. That was dumb. I should have just asked for your number. Would you have given it? Can someone so attractive *not* already have a boyfriend? I guess I’ll never know...xoxo

Furloughed Family

It's rough but at least we don't have to resort to Russian mob money, yet.

Dear Roommate and Former Fuck Buddy

You told me things would be the same when I moved into your household. You promised that we would still be friends. You lied.

You proceeded in the following months to turn me down EVERY time I asked to hang out. I asked you to go see a musical with me. You turned me down and went back to your desktop. You then proceeded to ask a different friend to go with you the next day. The pattern has repeated itself across time and activities. I wish I could take back every invitation.

I wish I could get back all the time I wasted on you. I wish I could swallow the words I puked out at you. I would gladly swallow the words of love knowing it’s barf.

You think you’re a nice guy. But you’ve embarrassed me in front of guests—made it clear that I don’t have the rights you do. It is easier for you to make space for physical possessions you haven’t even looked at in years—than it is for you to make room for me.

The joke is on you. Thanks for the notice, but I wouldn’t live in a place you own for the lowest rent. Also, good luck purchasing a home when you spend all your money on Disneyland. You overweight man-child.

Love letter to ANTSI

Dear Antsi,

I have enjoyed seeing your graffiti around town for the last few years. I love it's legibility, it's boldness. I'm thrilled when I find a little tag on a bench, on the bus, in a bar, or in the street.

Please never stop.

Water Bottle Lettuce Boy

Last night, my salad spinner broke and I had the bright idea of using my large water bottle to wash my lettuce. I cut said lettuce into bite sized pieces like I always do, stuffed them into the water bottle, half filled it with water and shook. Rinse, fill, shake and repeat. Once I figured the lettuce was adequately washed, I emptied the water and tried to get the lettuce out. No-go. Some of the lettuce came out, but a lot of it was stuck to the interior wall of the water bottle due to it being wet.

I stood there peering into the water bottle filled with lettuce and felt like a frikin' moron for doing what I did. I thought it would work, but it didn't. I tried using a chopstick to scrape the remaining lettuce out, but that didn't work either. I turned the water bottle upside side down and pounded on the bottom like you would a ketchup bottle, but the lettuce remained. I didn't know what to do.

Do I toss the water bottle? Do I get used to the taste of lettuce-infused water? It's been sitting upside down in my dish drainer all night and when I looked at it this morning, the lettuce was now dried and encrusted onto the sides. Dammit!

Steal my earbuds?

Hey asshole! You stole my earbuds out of my apron when I left it on a hook over my weekend. I’d demand them back but You have gross ass crusty ears, so fuck it.
I checked YOUR apron over YOUR weekend and found a 1/2 pack of smokes. I took several out and into the men’s room where I tucked them into my ass cheeks and marched in place making sure your Monday sucks ass like mine did. You Dickhead!