I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Mental Health Crisis

Will everyone stop using that word for every fucking situation already? A guy mows down three innocent people on the sidewalks, and it is "suspected he was having a mental health crisis". No, he is a fucking bad guy who wanted to murder people. There is a difference, and words matter.

Apostrophe Apocalypse

Did everyone miss the day where they taught apostrophes in English class? Every single day, I am forced to bear witness to the apostocalypse: signs, ads, blogs, and other forms of written human communication (I use that word loosely) where the author seems to believe that plural nouns ending in “s” require an apostrophe. No, no, no, they don’t. Apostrophes are for possessive nouns. Plural nouns don’t get one (unless they are possessive, then see the Internet). I know “possessive” and “plural” both begin with “p” so maybe that’s why everyone is confused, but you know what? “Penis” also begins with “p,” and you don’t (usually) see me sticking mine where it doesn’t belong. Fucking grammar, people!

Blame the shitty owner, not the shitty dog

It's been nearly two weeks since your pit bull attacked my 1-year-old puppy on that Sauvie Island beach. A vicious attack that left my dog with multiple puncture wounds, stitches, and nearly $2000 worth of veterinary bills. I would have stopped and asked for your number, had I not been fearful for my own safety... not knowing whether my dog was going to live or die. This note is to the shitty owners that punched their own dog in the face when it would not release. To the shitty owners, that tried to blame us for their dog's poor behavior. To the shitty owners that made their dog wear a choke collar without proper restraint. People like you don't deserve to own animals. People like you give pit bulls a bad name. I have sympathy for the dog that has to live with shitty people like you.

Less Than Zero

To the sidewalk guerrillas who selflessly save our sanctified streets from speeding saboteurs, armed only with a firmly wagging first finger, a sanctimonious stare and a puckered pie hole constipated by the word S-L-O-W....oh wait! Perhaps it is the word Z-E-R-O stuck up in there? As in ZERO VISION? Because that’s what you have if you think you can accurately judge my speed! And TUNNEL VISION is what you have if you think slower equals safer! A faster way to road safety is to learn how to drive!!! There now, be a good neighbor and don’t make me pull this car over.

Hands Off My Laundry!

To the neighbor who passive-aggressively fucked with my laundry:
Girl, I was there when your load in the dryer stopped. I was fishing my wet clothes out of the washer, your cycle ended, and I thought I’d give you a grace period to collect your stuff. So I set my alarm for 20 minutes, it went off, I putzed around for 5 more, then went downstairs. Your load was still there. It was after 11pm and I needed to wrap this chore up, so I carefully placed your laundry on top of the washer and began my cycle. That was unacceptable to you I guess, because when I went down 50 minutes later to retrieve my dry clothes, I found the door ajar and they were as wet as they started. You know, the fact my expediency offended you enough to stop my dry cycle, I forgive. I do. Even if it did mean at midnight I had to pay another buck fifty, start the cycle all over again, and stay up an hour later so as not to be the douche who leaves their laundry in the machine too long. But can’t you attempt to play nice in the future?
I want you to know I used the time wisely and had a furious hour-long jerk-off session that night while I waited. Which was fantastic, so thank you for that! But next time, girl, chill the fuck out! It’s just laundry.

Smarmy Lounge Lizards

To the shining examples of manhood sitting in the lounge May 22 at the Crystal, watching the BJM video feed: Not sure why you two were so smarmy and miserable, but next time you're in the mood to ruin someone else's night because the clean needle exchange is just plumb out, try being kind to strangers instead of mumbling weird mocking remarks behind the back of a woman you don’t know when she is talking to someone. She was in a great mood and didn’t notice what was going on so I never told her what you two were doing. I figured why ruin her night for the satisfaction of calling out two smarmy bozos who apparently never got the memo on how to act around women. If you had both stopped acting like such creeps you might have realized she and I initially had tried to be friendly to both of you. We almost made the mistake of thinking you were fellow music fans instead of what you were, irrefutable examples of why mandatory imprisonment is needed for anyone still rockin' the same flannel they wore back when they smelled like teen spirit. However, I am so grateful that you didn't even acknowledge our attempt to be friendly as I'm sure we both would have not wound having the great time we had once you two left. In conclusion, please stick to interacting with the women inside your VR headsets, they'll always be there for you in ways no real women can.

Fix Your Pressure!

To the business that I use weekly for my bathroom breaks. I use very little tp. Your toilet is usually backed up prior to me getting there or I back it up with the little tp I use. Therefore, I’ve stopped putting my tp into the toilet.

Fix your pressure man! Do you ever notice how bad it smells even when it’s clean in there? That’s because myself and everyone else knows to just throw the shit paper in the garbage. Everyday that garbage gets filled with shit-wet tp and it smells so bad man! So bad!

Fix your shit so we can shit!

I had a big mouth, you had a knife...

In retrospect, I probably said something I shouldn't have. If a panhandler wants to lie about being a veteran, and the person donating wants to believe that lie and feel good about donating, is anyone really getting hurt?? If not, is it my business to call them out?
Well, I wasn't thinking that way earlier and call him out I did. But you thought I was racist, just because you assumed I'm "white". You followed me to defend a liar you didn't even know, and soon your girl was the one raining a racist flood on me. It could have got really really ugly for all of us, and why?? You men shook hands, but us women didn't. Yes, women, not dogs. I'm sorry I agreed with your assessment of yourself, it was rude and meant to offend. I'm sorry I called you a punk (and worse).
I want to take it back. I want to shake your hand.
We're all in this together.
Thank you for stopping it before it got to a point of no return.
Let's stop assuming others are racist based on appearances. Let's stop pretending that we're different from each other because of how we look.
Let's just love each other, please??

Neighborhood Parking

After a recent confrontation I had with an uppity homeowner (that's right —- I'm not a passive Portlander, I'll call people out), I feel it's important to remind anyone out there the rules of neighborhood parking before they write a passive note to stick under a windshield wiper.

If you're in a neighborhood that's within city limits, anyone can legally park in front of your house. That is, as long as there are no "No Parking" signs, they are fifteen feet from a fire hydrant, and not blocking the entrance to your driveway (if you have one). Additionally, a vehicle is only considered "abandoned" if it remains parked and unmoved for over 24 hours, so yeah....boo hoo, someone parked by your house. But unless it's violating any of the criteria mentioned, it's LEGAL to park there. (I'm not including commuters in this —-just visitors and people who live in the area.)
You don't own the street in front of your house, therefore you need to stop acting like a passive aggressive asshole when people DO park there.

And to the person who took a picture of their neighbor's (normal sized) work truck and emailed the company, stating the employee needs more manners/respect when parking said vehicle: eat a fucking dick. You are worse than the cry babies who leave notes for vehicle owners when they've broken no law or ordinance. Get off your high horse and just fucking deal with it. Brush up on parking codes, or better yet....just shut the fuck up all together.

Vet Love

So, here we go.
I just had to fall in love with my veterinarian.
He just had to be married, with dog and white picket fence.
That didn't matter to him, I was his 'everything'.
I just couldn't stay away.
Come to find out I was just any other 'mistress'.
Who makes someone fall in love with them and then leaves them?
My heart hurts so much though.

Vision Zero?

How come this does not also include people getting shot? If you read the local news you would see how often people are getting shot. But I guess since the anti-car folks don’t give a fuck about this, neither will the local politicians.

Recycling tips for Noobs

Recycling plants are a mix of machine and hand-sorted processes. If things not meant to be in the recycling stream are in it then it can mess the machines up or ruin the material for further recycling. A few things to keep in mind are that
1) Plastic tubs/bottles 6oz or larger are ok, but not their caps or lids.
2) From what I've read, to-go food/drink containers as well as frozen food cardboard, having a wax lining on the inside, are because of this not recyclable. Starbucks and other places allow you to use your own drink container.
3) Rigid plastics that package vegetables, to-go food, non-organic produce, etc, are no longer accepted (and never were accepted in home recycling bins) by the Chinese market. This goes for plastic bags too
4) Dreams are okay, as long as they don't have food grease on them
5) Metal pieces like cans, can lids, and beer caps, and aluminium foil are recyclable in main bin but the smaller things should be bunched up (in a foil ball or an aluminum jar clamped shut and half-way full or else your dreams will be metallic)

Be good fellow Portlanders.

To Two Lonely Old Shmills

Preface: I say this with total compassion for both these awkward parasites which I will call the two old "Shmills" as they both have the same name. Although these two have no idea the other exists, they are identical. While these old Shmills sit on opposite sides of the restaurant, both are obviously lonely old pedophiles totally engaged in the exact same fantasy.They ogle my young adorable server, completely unconscious of her loathing of this creepy attention. Neither of them has a clue how we talk about their ridiculous presence and both try to hide behind their wack "intellect" one by obsessively trying to worm his "therapeutic ramblings." The other, making off handed, AS IF inuendo. As an experienced and empathetic woman, I offer this advice, Stop, take a look around you. Yes, that IS you at the other end looking like a pathetic lonely old guy! Get it under control old boys! It's a penis, not a live wire!

Hey Pro Life Supporters...

Can you also start protesting outside of places that sells guns? If you really care about human life, then you should also be concerned about all these mass shootings too. People are dead because of at least one person’s choice. You don’t like that, I don’t like that. We need to work together and end this shit. Then we can talk about other things later.


Hate unions, do you? You’re outraged that Burgerville employees have organized. You’re outraged that teachers in third-world states are actually striking over wages and working conditions.

Unions are nothing more than lobbying groups. There are lobbying groups for old people (AARP), gun owners (NRA), women ( NOW), black people (NAACP). There are even lobbying groups for animals (PETA). Where’s your outrage for these so-called special interests?
Unions are nothing more that lobbying groups for working people.
“Unions are corrupt” you bellow. Sorry, friend. That’s your granddad talking. Yes, in the days of Hoffa and Reuther and Kirkland, yeah, lots of graft. Now their only goal is (gasp!) fair wages and benefits for workers.

“Unions protect bad employees” Sorry, friend. Unions keep employers honest by requiring due process in disciplinary action. They require fair treatment of all employees, meaning you don’t get fired for being too young or old or the wrong “type” or for not sleeping with the boss. Inside secret: Unions don’t want losers any more than employers.

“Unions are socialists” Unions built this country: steel and railroads and shipyards and automobiles. And they built the middle-class; probably your parents.

Let me make it simple for you: Next time you’re flying somewhere, six miles up, maybe bouncing around in roller-coaster turbulence, would you prefer your aircraft was built by a machinist at Boeing making $30 an hour, or some slave in China making $30 a month?

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