I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Everyone Knows But You

As I peruse your recent social media posts, I can see that you are single.... AGAIN. How long did this relationship last? A month? You know, I've known you for about 12 years now and I've noticed a pattern with your relationships: They never last more than a few months. You're getting close to 40 and yet you've yet to find a lasting partner... and I think I know why.

You're gross. You openly fart, you're loud, your laugh is annoying and you take a twisted pride in belching in public. I think that once people see this behavior after a month or so, they end it with you. It seems to me that you're the only one oblivious to this.

Sure, when we met said 12 years ago, I thought you were pretty damn cute. In fact, I sorta had a crush on you until after hanging out with you for the 10th time and noticing that you appeared to enjoy sharing all of your bodily functions with the world. You've embarrassed me on more than one occasion and I would never date you because of this.

Maybe if you quit farting in people's faces, quit making a seen by opening one side of your mouth while visibly pushing out a super loud burp in public, and stopping the over-the-top-and-obvious-attention-seeking laughs, you might find someone to settle down with.

But, I imagine you won't and I predict there will be many more years of you asking your friends why you're single, and you posting incessantly about it on social media. I fully expect future photos of sunsets with cliched captions lamenting a broken heart and the elusiveness of love.


Hey New Guy

Yay! You got a job and you’re doing good. We all like you too, even though you clock in and then go right to the shitter. You’re not in there for too long and I’m pretty sure you wash your hands. Here’s the deal though: not only do you stink it up the bathroom with your funk, it follows you for a few hours as well. It’s bad my friend. Real bad. I’d tell you but I just met you and that’s not my kind of icebreaker..


Tourettes is a CONDITION mofathucker!

I didn't ask for it. I do everything i can to control it at work, short of psychoactive supplements. (those make me completely unproductive.) I wait until it gets too much and go have a pee in the lavatory and hope nobody can hear me speaking horrible epithets, verbalizing unthinkable acts against small animals and very specific sexual acts with racially diverse peoples.
I thought the stalls were empty (didnt see your feet) but then hear you come out and start asking me What Did You Say What Did You Say What Did You Say? and backing me up against the mirror. I told you I have tourettes. That doesnt give you the right to threaten me. Im sorry i ruined your crap but i didnt ask for this condition you piece of shlt.
By the way you have teepee on your shoe.


So much for the Arts Tax

Interesting to see confirmation in print that most of the Arts Tax money went to the big fish that already had huge budgets: the symphony, opera, ballet, museum. And I remember being sold a bill of goods that this money was to keep art classes in schools. Well, I'm done with all that. This is the first year the crazies at the Arts Tax haven't demanded I pay up or prove I have no income. Never mind that I moved from Oregon more than four years ago.


Move over

I get that 20 is plenty, for you. Not for me. I feel 25-35 is more what the limit should be and I also get that I’m breaking the law when I speed. What I don’t get is YOU driving EXACTLY 20 when there are 11 cars behind you in some sort of NIMBY parade. Pull the fuck over and let us pass!!! We have places to be and one of those places is not behind some wannabe next-door warrior who spends their days trying to enforce laws.


I Can't Fucking Wait...

...To move out of this suburban apartment complex that I dumbly signed a 2 year lease for. Had I known that I would be living next to YOU, madam, I would have moved elsewhere. You get meals on wheels but don't need it. You have 2 fake service dogs. TWO. You fake multiple disabilities, and I'm pretty sure if you had leukemia/epilepsy/a broken back/that egg sized brain tumor you claimed that you'd be fucking dead by now. But here we are, two whole years later!
I tried talking to you. I tried complaining to our creepy Mormon lady apartment manager. But I put my 30 days in and am about to blitz your ass with complaints. All the shit you get away with that I've spoken to you about countless times?
I will report every. single. time. you smoke on your patio, let your dog shit in my yard, make a peep after 10pm, let your meth head ex park in my spot that I pay for...literally everything. I never thought welfare queens actually existed before I lived next to you. But you're trash, your kid smells, and I honestly should call CPS but foster care could somehow be worse. Fuck you, you trashy rag.


Psst, hey dick head. TIP!

Hey dick head, or should I call you Mr. Dick Head? Yes The bottle of wine costs $15 retail, but to have it in the establishment, with live music playing AND being served it costs more. What? Where you born under a rock. If you don't want to pay the mark up for things out in town then buy them at your local grocery store and bring them home ass hole. Oh...Cool I just poured that bottle of wine for you and after explaining the corkage or 'in house' fee apparently I am not entitled to a tip...Thanks Mr. Dick Head, enjoy the live music, enjoy the establishment and go fuck yourself! Cheers!


Tipping and unwanted lectures

Hey you, person in my face lecturing me because the gourmet food shop/restaurant/coffee shop where I work as a cashier has the balls to offer an OPTION to tip. Do you think that venting your general frustration about tipping in a retail situation to us is fair, when we would risk our jobs to explain life as a service person in a rich person's retail setting? There is posting at my register explaining that we have been asked to offer the option to tip when they are paying with credit or debit cards for food and service in our store. READ IT! Don’t assume that I am asking you to tip me for ringing you up, fully engaging in conversations, doting on your bratty kids, making you laugh, sharing knowledge about speciality foods. Your attitude shows willfull ignorance. Have you noticed that as cashiers we have lots of side work such as bussing your heavy dishes, carting them across the store to the kitchen, and cleaning up after you and your kids when you spend hours socializing or working at our tables? Would you feel okay tipping a table busser? What about our baristas, prepared foods staff, the cheese mongers that give detailed consultations and generous samples? Do you or do you not tip food service people? Some guests who come to our store get it. They have no problem dropping a fiver into our collective tip jar. Some of them are privileged but aware that their privilege comes with a price to service workers who can barely make rent due to the "haves" moving to Portland in droves pushing us out of our formerly affordable apartments. If you can't handle the guilt pangs don't come to our store, or PAY IN CASH to avoid the tip prompt.


Is it Wrong? Answer: NO!

Am I wrong to love my dog? Am I wrong to say on my dating profile that my dog will come first? That you will always be second? Is it wrong to say that you will have to compete with my dog for my love? Is it wrong to say that if my dog doesn't like you, neither will I?

Is it wrong to call myself a dog "parent" while at the same time French kissing my "dog-child" for my latest Instagram posting? Is it wrong to show so much physical affection for my dog that some might say it borders on an unhealthy obsession?

I sleep with my dog. I cuddle on the couch with my dog. I take my dog EVERYWHERE with me, except when I lock him in a cage while I go to work or out with friends. I LOVE my dog.

I mean to say: I'm IN LOVE with my dog. My dog is my world and there's nothing you can do about it. Is it wrong to love an animal more than any human? The answer is NO.

The only remaining question I have is: Why am I still single??


Clean Up in Aisle Poo

I stopped by the grocery store a couple of days ago and happened upon a crazy spectacle. There was a woman with a bulldog and apparently the dog took an enormous shit on the floor right in front of the bakery case. Despite the fact that there were at least a dozen people sitting at tables nearby eating breakfast who witnessed this episode, the women acted as if no one had seen what happened and grabbed a doughnut box and bakery tissue to pick up the turds. She then walked over to the espresso stand, tossed the faces in the garbage can, ordered a coffee and at no point asked for a mop or anything to clean up the floor. WTF?


To the MF who hit everyone’s favorite bus driver.

You were screaming at a woman at 56th and Glisan(Eastbound) when I picked you up on line 19 today about 2:22pm.

You could have enjoyed the ride like everyone else, and instead decided to put hands on a woman who’s dedicated her life to a city she loves, all I do is bring joy to my passengers. I’m looking for you. I have friends. We will identify you and I will be pressing charges. Fuck you.


Historical Marker

There is a date and time when Portland went to shit. It was the day we got the New Timbers, which led to soccer fans, which led to scarves and fashion ponchos, in que at salt and straw.


Can't we all just get along?

No. We cannot, apparently.
Check out this perspective: Pretty much everything we as humans consume is a direct pipeline to the ego and a sense of superiority.
Moral, ethical, racial. Movies, TV, books, comedy.
Food, politics, class.
Murder, war, assault.
There's many more, but the point is that we're so wrapped up in competing for "top human" that we forget we even feel this way. None of us are in touch with our own shortcomings, so we externalize them.
Dig deep, and you'll know it's true. No human is more human than any other. This is true regardless of class, age, race, political stance, etc.
It's a hard pill to swallow, I know.
I wish we could all get along, but the core reason for our existence is based in competition for... You guessed it, superiority.
We're all pretty frustrated, and I feel it could be beneficial for all of us to really look deeply into ourselves and think about what really makes us tick.


Made in the shade

What’s with all you fucks driving around with tinted windows? There’s been a serious uptick in this and it’s got me pretty chappered.
I cannot see what in thee fuck you may be trying to communicate to me. Are you telling me to go? I see some kind of gesture going on in your shadow but it’s not enough for me to risk it so I’m going to do my own thing.
You don’t look “cool” and there isnt enough sunlight here to warrant such a toolbag accessory. I hope the cops keep pulling over you anuses who have the wrong shade as it’s dangerous and unpredictable as fuck to have you dicks on the road.


You’re Still Fake

So, like everything else in your life that you show for attention, we get to see how your stupid vanity put your health into jeopardy. Wether your father is dying and you decide the whole world needs to see him on your deathbed, now we get to have an “I told ya so!” moment because you had your breast implants removed. Isn’t it amazing how you have an epiphany years down the road about how stupid it is to put foreign objects in your body? They didn’t make you beautiful (it’d take more than surgery, because you need an overhaul as a human being on the inside.) they added to your puke inducing pink world you created because you wanted attention. I’m glad they didn’t find cancer, but every self realization you’ve ever had it seems, is something you use for attention and social media content.