by Thursday at 6:56 am•
As I peruse your recent social media posts, I can see that you are single.... AGAIN. How long did this relationship last? A month? You know, I've known you for about 12 years now and I've noticed a pattern with your relationships: They never last more than a few months. You're getting close to 40 and yet you've yet to find a lasting partner... and I think I know why.
You're gross. You openly fart, you're loud, your laugh is annoying and you take a twisted pride in belching in public. I think that once people see this behavior after a month or so, they end it with you. It seems to me that you're the only one oblivious to this.
Sure, when we met said 12 years ago, I thought you were pretty damn cute. In fact, I sorta had a crush on you until after hanging out with you for the 10th time and noticing that you appeared to enjoy sharing all of your bodily functions with the world. You've embarrassed me on more than one occasion and I would never date you because of this.
Maybe if you quit farting in people's faces, quit making a seen by opening one side of your mouth while visibly pushing out a super loud burp in public, and stopping the over-the-top-and-obvious-attention-seeking laughs, you might find someone to settle down with.
But, I imagine you won't and I predict there will be many more years of you asking your friends why you're single, and you posting incessantly about it on social media. I fully expect future photos of sunsets with cliched captions lamenting a broken heart and the elusiveness of love.