I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Outliers of Oregon

You're about to get fucked by Trump and he's going to Tweet(Oct 1-5) about how much cash he's saved the American taxpayer. You're fucked and you voted for him.
He is stopping all payments to you out in your humble shires(Oregon City, fuckers) in the outposts, fuckers.


Be Good

The way Portland is headed I just keep coming back to the Golden Rule. Roughly, "Treat others as you wish/want to be treated." Many of us face a hard life; day, week, month, whatever your given circumstance. So much anger, impatience, judgement, uncertainty, and acting out on an immediate impulse or response. Yah, more people are moving here and that is not going to change. I am trying to be aware of my actions and take ownership by communicating with a person I might have wronged. Communication is key (although that sounds cliche). In the end, can we all just breathe, have some patience, and strive to be the best person we can be?


Ice cream bullies

Gutter punk guys who smell like they shit their pants. You think it’s funny to smack ice cream out of the hands of those eating in front of salt and straw?
It’s horrible and if you are still doing it tonight, I’ll bring my boyfriend with me and he will tell you what’s up with his fist you assholes.


Litterbug

Hey Honda Odyssey with for sale signs setting all your mcdonalds crap out into the parking lot. I got your phone number and have been crank calling you about having a test drive the last few days (from various random landlines).

Every time I ask if you’ll stop littering please, maybe it will work.


Phil Knighting

Phil Knight, who is worth like 30 billion, has dropped 1.5 million dollars into the governor's race.

WHY IN THE FUCK IS THAT A THING? WHY DO BILLIONAIRES EXIST?


Poop Happens

Shit really happens.
Shit gets real.
Early Sunday morning, with a 40 minute bus ride, and a 15-20 minute walk home, I knew the stomach ache I was having about mid ride through was going to be problematic. But these things happen. Urges to take a dump come out of nowhere sometimes.
Starting the walk home, about 5 minutes in, I was saying to myself, "I can make it." "I'm a grown adult." The words "grown adult" crossed my mind later. I was sitting at the bar earlier in the week listening to a young princess describe someone as "old," "well maybe not old, but you know, middle aged," in a derogative context. I thought shit, I'm a young 40s. Am I middle aged? Are you talking about me?
So, in the next 5 minutes of walking, I was saying to myself, "I'm not gonna make it." "Should I go in the corner of someone's yard?" "Where was that abandoned house at?" I past the abandoned house and kept walking. I wasn't going to shit in someone's yard either. I am distinguished and honorable "middle aged" man. I did what every "grown adult" would do. Yep, I pooped my pants.
I was glad it was the morning and no one was around. Everything was better with a shower and clothes wash. There was some shit on my shoes, but there's always shit on shoes. I'll also say, I guess depends is not only for "old" people, but babies and "middle aged" men too.


Old Is In The Way

I guess new vacant buildings are better than old vacant buildings...…….
Thanks so much.


Whose crap? Your crap!

Oh, please, Great and Powerful Anonymous, share with us the TRUE vision of this blog! I’ve looked high and low, and here are the only clues I could find:

1. "The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury."

This one doesn’t tell us much, I’m afraid.

2. "SUBMIT AN I, ANONYMOUS" and "READ FEATURED RANTS & CONFESSIONS"

Ah, there’s a clue: RANTS or admissions…no guidance on the content of the rants.

3. OK, here’s the big one: “WELCOME TO I, ANONYMOUS! In your rant or confession, please remember to change the names of the guilty and the innocent. Also, homophobic, racist or overly misogynistic language is strictly prohibited. IMPORTANT: Before publication, your submission will be checked by the Mercury, which reserves the right to reject posts we find inappropriate—but if it passes muster, we'll get it up on the site ASAP! THANKS FOR READING AND SUBMITTING TO I, ANONYMOUS!”

Damn, not a blessed clue what the true vision of the blog is.

In conclusion, I guess we’ll have to tell you to stop pretending to know the real “vision” of this blog and trying to impose your opinion on everyone LIKE A FUCKING TRUMPSTER OR FUNDIE OR LEFTY OR LIBERTARIAN OR WHATEVER-THE-FUCK-YOU-THINK-YOU ARE!


Cut the crap

Stop posting your fucking political commentary here. The 20 or so readers would appreciate it if we could get back to what this particular blog was designed for: confessionals, admissions, and accusations for us portlanders by us portlanders ABOUT us portlanders! For fuck sake! Take your fucking trump ragging to nextdoor, facebook or o-live. I come here for laughs and this once was a vibrant hub of fun times.

Now it’s just like any other lame ass platform.

And mercury, stop posting those stupid political based ones even if it means going without for many days on end.

Revisit the vision of this blog and snap out of it!!!


To the woman in the Lexus who just flipped me off

I hear you.

We sat at that stop light for what felt like eternity. Waiting through cycle after cycle, as the drivers in front of us failed to promptly go when the light turned green. Over that time I began to full a comradery with you. It was me and you, suffering together.

Then it was finally your turn at the line. It was your opportunity to right the wrongs that had been done to us by those previous drivers. The light turned green, and nothing. You too betrayed the courtesy that the motorized public owes each other. The light turned green and we just sat there. The betrayal was so much more worse because of all that we had been through together.

I wanted to express all of this to you. I wanted to tell you that this is a reason why traffic is so bad in this city we share. I wanted to tell you that it's dangerous to be driving while distracted. You were in a big metal box that can easily kill people, and that is a responsibility you shouldn’t take lightly. I wanted to tell you how I expected more of you.

So I honked my horn and yelled, “Will you fucking go!?”

I know that by yelling “fuck you!” and giving me the middle finger, you were trying to say that we choose to live in Portland because it is a friendly place. Not the kind of place where we honk our horns and scream obscenities at each other. That you were disappointed in my frustration. That the anger isn’t worth the extra two minutes we spent at that light.

I’m not here to say either of us is right or wrong.

I just wanted to let you know that I heard you.


Abolish ICE, or...

Why abolish ICE? It is merely a tool used by the government to secure our borders. That is all it is, nothing more.

The problem isn’t with ICE, the problem is a president who is misusing this tool for his own political purposes.

Don’t abolish ICE, abolish the fucking Trump regime and the policies of Sessions and let this agency go back to doing its thing in a normal fashion.


I'm Going To Lose It

At first, I was unexpectedly aroused when when you opened up your big, semi-thick, actual, goddamned book. Some people do it for show. Not you. But, ferchrissakes, you use a pen as a bookmark! WTF! You put the pen in there, close the book, just to take a drink of your coffee. Stop, please stop doing this. It's bad on the spines. Please show proper respect or just give up books. You just did it again! You are fucking what's wrong with this world! Do you know this Bugs me? Stop staring at me. Just respect the fucking books.


This Is How It Happens:

Donald Trump wins reelection in 2020. Then in 2024, when he is Constitutionally ineligible to run for President, he is selected as the Vice- Presidential nominee by the GOP. The Republican Presidential candidate would obviously be a figurehead, overshadowed by the bigger-than-life Donald.
Since by then the Republicans in Congress and the judiciary and statehouses will have gerrymandered the local election districts so completely in their favor, that a victory in 2024 is easy to imagine.
Shortly after January 20, 2025, the Figurehead President , (an aged white man no doubt) , would resign, citing “health reasons” , and Vice-President Donald Trump becomes President-again.
The 25th Amendment is vague about all this and it would wind up before the Supreme Court, which by then will be completely packed with Trump appointees. They would rule for Trump, just like the 2000 Court, packed with Republican appointees, ruled for Bush.

Of course President Trump, Part II , won’t have much a country to rule over, as we will have devolved into a disparate and desperate society with street fighting and armed clashes –a civil war that makes the Lincoln –era Civil War seem like a schoolyard scrap. Russian will be the dominate global power, and in the U.S. there will the only the rich and everybody else. No unions, no middle class, no environmental protections, press restricted by the courts -it goes on and on.
This is how it happens, and don’t kid yourself that it can’t happen here.


Horrible Parents

I can’t believe it took another patron, to tell you what lousy parents you were. Your vomit inducing offspring, were allowed (by you) to have the run of the place and disturbing us (as you ignored them for your iPhones) while waiting for your food and then they proceeded to scream and argue when the food was delivered. I can’t believe you actually got offended when dude walked up to you and said “If I pay for your entire meal, will you take your (expletive) kids and get the hell out of here?” It was the only time you entitled parents actually reacted to ANYTHING yesterday. Completely oblivious and not caring about the disturbance your “adorable” little mistakes were creating while people were trying to enjoy their meals. It’s extremely rude to other patrons, and wait staff shouldn’t have to be looking out for children as they try to do their jobs. Your astonishment that someone didn’t find your kids adorable and their being empowered as cute, had lots of us in awe. We all silently applauded as you sat there is disbelief with dumb looks on your faces because someone pointed out that you were literal pieces of shite. But it worked. You got up and left in a huff, soon after, with bugged out and entitled eyes because someone had the audacity to tell you they basically weren’t impressed by your family. Parents like you are the exact reason establishments all over have put up signs saying they won’t tolerate the rude behavior of kids, holding them to the same standard as adults. Get a clue and discipline your kids. Don’t ruin it for other people because one of you should have swallowed.


Shut Up Already

So you have become a vegan and you take such joy in telling anyone and everyone that you are. None of your friends give a shit.
“Oh but you haven’t evolved and become enlightened to the plunder...”
Seriously, choke already. You aren’t a better person because you eat kale and quinoa. You’re still the same self absorbed, narcissistic sociopath you have ALWAYS been, gleefully not using condoms because you don’t care who you infect with herpes.
Everything you own, was made in a sweatshop somewhere. Yes that smart phone you use to post about how much better you are than everyone because you’re “enlightened” as you adjust your Versace jeans to discuss nutritional yeast, was made by someone who literally can’t afford one leaf of your organic kale. You are the very reason so many people despise vegans, because you’re all hypocrites and no one cares about your diet. Quinoa isn’t fun. And whenever you come over for dinner, I lie to you about no animal products being in the special dish I have to serve you, because you’ve become enlightened. It’s loaded with lard.


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